Mother’s Day without Mom

Well my email is filled with the word “mom” everywhere so I know what holiday is right around the corner. To many of you, these emails, radio ads, tv ads etc. may seem harmless to you which I get,  they used to for me as well. Since my Mother has passed away though this day has forever changed me. I almost wish when I signed up for emails that there was a box I could check that said “opt out of Mother’s day emails” or any email containing mom. So that every time I open my inbox I am not reminded of my best friend that is no longer there.

My first Mothers Day without my Mom was a few months after my mom had passed. I was still trying to figure out how to get up everyday and did not need a whole day to remind me of what wasn’t there. It is not that I am spiteful of other people who still have their mother’s, it is that I am jealous. Jealous that you still get to call your mom when you have good news, when you just want to talk, or really when you need advice. It is something I no longer have. A bond between a mother and daughter is a different type of love and connection and unfortunately something I can never get back.

I am the first in my friend group to lose a parent. There is no conversations around parent lose for 25 year olds. Most people expect to lose their parents when they are older, married and with children. None of which I am. It is uncommon and made me feel so alone. A lot of my mom’s friends or my family have lost their parents but it is just different. You didn’t only have your mom for 25 years of your life- you had her for 40 or 50, maybe even more if you are lucky. Granted I am happy that I had her for 25 years. I know some people didn’t get as long as me.

What I am getting at is Mother’s Day brings up so many emotions. One minute I am happy and the next I could be sobbing in a corner. When I have children and they are celebrating me, it will still feel unfair that my children never got to meet their grandmother. I would do anything to be able to talk to my mom and update her on my life. It is crazy how much has happened since she has been gone.

So how do I plan on spending Mother’s Day this year? Well with everything going on in the world with Covid-19 it just seems so different and not fair. Normally I would be with my family – brining up all the good memories of my mom. This year I will stop by and see my grandparents [I am so lucky that they are still alive]  from a distance of course, sitting down and just talking with them. My close friends also always invite me to spend it with them. They know how much a distraction helps and how it feels like any other day at their house anyway. I also always try to write a blog post, it helps me get out my feelings and hopefully help others struggling on this day as well.

Whatever you choose to do, try to remember the good times of your Mom. Know that you are not alone, that there are others out there who are willing and able to be there for you. If you are struggling with this day as well feel free to reach out. I am always willing to talk and listen.

I wrote a blog post last year on ways to spend Mother’s Day, that you can read here.

Xoxo

Kelly