Cancer

5 Years and Cancer Free

Posted on August 24, 2020

Today marks the day of 5 years. 5 years of being cancer free and I’m sharing my story and some real talk as well.

The first feeling & thought that comes to mind as I hit the 5-year mark are relief and gratitude. I’m relieved because I hit another year as a survivor. This is something I feel every year too because with cancer you just never know what can happen. So, with that said I’m also so grateful. I am grateful to be here still, I’m grateful to help others that need a little positive boost because I know there are dark days during and even after, and most importantly I’m grateful for all the support I had along the way!

I was a young adult when I was diagnosed with Non-Hodgkin’s Lymphoma. At the age of 23 you are getting in the groove of figure out your life after college. I had a job which I loved and for the most part was on top of everything. I also was trying to get back in the dating field which meant going out each weekend to bars, dancing, drinking and having fun with no cares. To say the least I was social, active and motivated.

It was January 2015 and I was 22 when I started to feel sluggish just thinking I caught the flu. I went to the doctors and they confirmed I probably caught the years winter flu and to just rest as a healthy young girl. A few months later, I turned 23 and I wasn’t feeling any better. I’d come home from work, eat and pass-out until the next day with still no energy in the morning or night; not even to workout anymore. On the weekends I’d barely have the energy to do much either. My mind was not there and all I kept feeling was a little defeated that I was becoming a couch potato. So, I went back to the doctors and they told me…. IT’S MY BODY CHANGING FROM AGE!!! This was absurd but more absurd that accepted that.

This went on for months with more symptoms developing and it developed to the point where I was having trouble breathing laying down or just walking causally. My bosses even said something wasn’t right and they were pushing me to go back to the doctors or even see their doctors. The next time I called my doctors I told them I was now sweating at night, had a slight constant fever, my vein in my neck was popping out a little (from poor oxygen we found out later), I couldn’t lay flat on my back for it would feel like I was suffocating and I had a huge lump protruding on my chest. When I explained all this, the nurse over the phone told me to STEAM IT OUT OF MY BODY! I can’t stress this enough, if you know your body and know something isn’t right speak up and don’t take these as answers!

I wish I was more vocal back then and spoke up for myself. Instead I cried to my mom saying something isn’t right and my mom was agreeing especially after seeing the lump on my chest. We decided to switched doctors in the practice and that’s when he wanted to do an x-ray to make sure something wasn’t missed like a walking pneumonia. Finally someone did a test because they were listening to my angst in my voice.

Here’s where it all hits the fan. Time frame also: late April. After the x-ray, my mom, my friend Jen and I went to go get our nails done. We were sitting in the chairs waiting to start our pedicure and that’s when my mom got the phone call. She was frantic telling the ladies to stop, trying to hold back tears and telling us we have to go. Jen and I were completely lost and of course we are causing a scene in the place. I felt bad too because this was Jen’s nail place where she typically goes. Well we get in the car and my mom tells us the x-ray showed masses in my chest down to my abdomen. To young 23-year-old girls with no medical background we were like um what does that mean and then it was explained. It was scary hearing masses are typically a cancer but I don’t think it truly was hitting me as it should of. It wasn’t until I was admitted, Jen was sitting next to me on the bed and I asked the doctor if this was the chemo where I’d lose my hair. He confirmed yes and that’s when we looked at each other and started to ball.

It was a vain moment to cry over hair but that’s something I understood in the beginning. It was the beginning of my life about to change. I endured many more emotions during treatment too and even after as well. But there were a couple of weeks during it all where I couldn’t stop crying. I was just sad, sad I was sick, sad I couldn’t go out and feel normal like I used to, sad I gained weight, sad I had no eyelashes and sad that I was putting poison through my whole body to kill the cancer. It was just a lot to take in. After my last round of chemo was completed and the test coming back clear, I was over the moon ecstatic. I felt somewhat invisible again as all young adults should feel. I was so grateful for the second chance I was getting!

I’ve come a long way and I make it a point to celebrate every year because I was lucky. But deep down I don’t feel like the same person after and it’s hit me more as I get older. I feel guilty on days and I worry about so much now as well. Some people aren’t as lucky, and they should be. We lost Kelly’s mom to a strong battle and that was so hard to watch as a friend and a survivor. I watched her ups and down and I remembered how it was for me but always trying to stay positive for her. At the end though I wished I could of gave my luck and second chance to her. It’s something I think about a lot and it’s hard to swallow on days when you sit and question life.

Another thing I question and worry about a lot now is having kids. I was given medicine to stop my ovaries and put me in a pre-menopause state (so yes I’ll have to go through menopause twice in my life) to try to protect my ovaries from the chemo. But real talk, my my gyno doesn’t know how much that has aged my ovaries and has also recommended me into freezing my eggs. Quick synopsis of that, there is a yearly fee, which is not cheap, to keep them frozen and I would have to inject myself with hormones each day in order to do the surgery of the egg extraction. This is something I’ve been scared of especially when I was working because I didn’t know how it was going to affect me emotionally. Like who wants to work with the girl that would cry over something silly or even get annoyed by everything. But now with me being jobless and COVID slowing down I want to start looking into it again. Starting a family one day is something I always wanted since a little girl.

Lastly, my immune system is not the same as well. Before cancer I rarely got colds and if I did give me 2 days tops to recover. Within those two days I’d rest one day and the second was more just relaxing for good measures. Now it seems like I catch it all and it’s 10x worse. It wipes me physically and emotionally. It will linger for weeks leaving me feeling weak, tired and scared. Scared because my mind starts racing like the cancer is coming back. It sucks having a fear of cancer COMING back since the age of 23. But this is something that will never leave my mind.

So yes I’m grateful every year and I really couldn’t have done it without my amazing friends and my oncology team. When I start getting in my head, I think of the good times too like every time my friends came to a chemo round with me or when we raised over $10,000 for LRF one year. It’s hard going through something like this, even after and I don’t want to sugar coat that, but I want to advise people to stay strong. Even if life is different now you need to stay positive and know all the feelings you have are okay to have.